That’s Why They Call it the Blues… and Reds… and Pinks
Blue McKenna has the blues, the reds and the pinks – being dead really stinks! And to make matters worse, Blue needs the assistance of Skitters the Cat to help her cross over. Today on the Quirky Cat Nips Podcast, Blue will explore the scratchy situation that comes with trying to work with a cranky feline. Enjoy Chapter 05 of Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted. Meow Kitties!
Listen to Episode #7 Now:
Transcript:
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This is PetLife Radio.
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Let's talk pets.
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Cat lovers and feline friends, it's time for Adele Park's Quirky Cat Nips.
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Today on the Quirky Cat Nips Podcast, we're airing a chapter of Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted, which we will do until the entire audio book has been broadcasted.
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We invite all you kitties to kick back now, relax and enjoy Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted by Adele Park.
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Audio Recording St.
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George Presents Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted Written, produced and edited by Adele Park Narrated by a full cast.
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<v SPEAKER_5>Part Five.
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The old ticker may stop talking, but the beat goes on.
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It's exactly these sorts who wind up in my office.
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Just ask Blue McKenna.
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Navigating the dirt road in front of Juniper Hollow on a frosty January morning bought Blue more time on earth than she bargained for.
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The poor driving skills that ensued were self-inflicted errors, not to mention a violation of Section Seven of the Utah Vehicle Safety Code.
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Anyone who paid attention in driver's ed knows when something unexpected appears in the road, the correct procedure is to calmly pump the brakes.
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Hastily swerving to miss something that is likely going to be hit anyway, always results in calamity.
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Free will doesn't stop when the heartbeat does.
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We can choose to walk toward the light into a new realm, or we can step out of line and stay here.
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Blue chose the latter.
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Did something scare her into staying?
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Not initially.
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She stayed because of the baby.
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There are consequences for every decision we make.
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More importantly, there is a reason stepping out of line is viewed as a negative thing.
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It was only just recently that Blue discovered a desire to move on.
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Of course, it's too late for that now.
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She has awakened the beast under the bridge.
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In order to reach the kingdom of heaven, Blue will have to slay the dragon, so to speak.
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Frankly, I don't hold out much hope that she will persevere.
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Evidently, no one on earth is aware that Blue is in limbo, unable to truly be with her child, and unable to cross over because she can't get beyond the apparition that has been haunting the bridge for decades.
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At present, Blue's only chance of resting in peace hinges on her ability to get assistance from a belligerent cat named Skitters.
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Animals are able to see through the veil that separates the living from those in transition.
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Of course, this doesn't mean they will acknowledge the presence of a spirit.
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Cats are notorious for ignoring humans if they sense they're expected to do something.
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This dynamic is especially true with the combative relationship Blue had with Skitters the cat prior to her ill-fated bridge excursion.
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I thought I'd go to hell for my sins.
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Instead, I wound up at the Department of Motor Vehicles.
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Same thing, really.
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The office is as dreary as the woman behind the desk, Gertrude Fletcher, a dead ringer for Ruth Bader Ginsburg, the supremest of Supreme Court justices.
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When writers describe a hair bun as severe, they're talking about the likes of RBG and Gertrude Fletcher.
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From what I can puzzle together, Gertrude runs some sort of unit that appeals wrongful deaths out of her old office at the DMV.
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I didn't know you could do that.
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I always assumed it was game over once you carked it.
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Gertrude says the conditions of my contract were violated.
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I wasn't supposed to expire until I was an old lady.
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Gertrude keeps referring to the people in the main office.
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Apparently, they viewed my near fatal accident several years ago as a mulligan, meaning this time my number was truly up.
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Gertrude thinks we can get it tossed out on a technicality.
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My books have been on bestseller lists, but the thing people remember me for is surviving a plane crash in the desert outside of Naval Utah.
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The accident killed my parents, along with a pilot whose brain was caramelized after eating a vegan sandwich garnished with magic mushrooms.
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Somehow I survived, though my bladder took a horrendous thrashing.
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The first few years after this aerial fender bender, any more than an eyedropper full of liquid, would send me dashing for the restroom like a Black Friday shopper hoping to get their mitts on a cheap TV.
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Not wanting to travel in this condition, I lived there for several years before selling it to Moon's husband when I was facing a cash flow problem.
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Scotty, my husband, bought it back when we got married.
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It's just one of the many reasons I love this little rectal surgeon.
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Moon wasn't with us when dopey McPilot ground his plane into the desert like he was crushing out a pestilent cigarette.
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Some kids from Naval found me balled up near the wreckage.
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One of them was the son of Kip Nichols, a deputy for the Pitt County Sheriff's Department and a regrettable extramarital sex partner.
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I wasn't married.
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He was, but I knew it, which made me equally sleazy.
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In my defense, I was only 18 years old and had just lost both my parents.
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Moon met my case worker when Gertrude was still alive and permeating the gloomy halls of the DMV in Naval.
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Our experiences with Gertrude were vastly different.
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Moon spaced out getting a new driver's license after she moved to Utah.
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Deputy Kip Nichols, creepaholic in uniform, pulled Moon over for expired plates and pretty much threw the book at her.
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By this time, I was no longer letting Kip dip his corndog in my condiments.
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Moon considered this to be guilt by association and even had the nerve to suggest that I spring for the ticket.
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I personally never trifled with Gertrude.
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My previous visits to the DMV were always on the cordial side, mostly because I was never in much of a hurry.
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I didn't get all bajiggity if I had to wait.
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Sometimes I actually liked bureaucratic slowdowns because they gave me time to read.
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Of course, that depended on what book I had at the time.
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When she was alive, Gertrude had the reputation for being a dyed-in-the-wool Stiffington, ruling the DMV in naval like Genghis Khan.
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She's doing the same at whatever place this is.
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My premature son is hanging on by a spaghetti strap in the critical care unit at the Naval Base Hospital.
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Scotty has become Marvin the Paranoid Android from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
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His anxiety is so thick you could pave an interstate with it.
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If I thought any of this would elicit even a drop of sympathy from Gertrude, I was dead wrong.
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Speaking of which, my funeral was a disaster.
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I was cremated in my wedding dress and my white cowboy boots.
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I loved the dress so much, I had jokingly told Scotty I wanted to be buried in it.
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I remember the day I bought it like it was yesterday.
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Moon and the twins had come to Las Vegas to help me shop for my wedding.
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It was one of those unreasonably hot days Vegas is famous for.
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The girls were hissing and snarling at each other, bored with the whole process.
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We'd already picked out their flower girl outfits, which meant they were effectively through being good for the day.
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Moon shops with the tenacity that can only be rivaled by a bigoted Republican on a religious bender.
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After slogging through dozens of stores, Moon found a small boutique called Blue Iris tucked back in a residential neighborhood.
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Neither one of us thought it was a coincidence that I spotted the perfect dress as soon as I walked in.
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Seeing myself in that dress at the Eternal Endings funeral home in Naval, I thought, yikes!
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Those white boots looked terrible with my ivory colored dress.
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It wasn't just the two mismatched hues of white.
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The whole thing was just wrong.
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I knew why Scotty did it though.
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My white boots are the ultimate insider's joke.
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There were plenty of times when those boots were the only thing I had on.
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Did this mean our sex life was over forever?
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Good heavens!
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Speaking of which, heaven isn't good, at least if you're like me.
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The second I step through those pearly gates or whatever it is they've got up there, I'm history as far as my life on earth goes.
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That's where Gertrude Fletcher comes in.
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She's putting together some kind of appellate brief designed to overturn my current state.
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My ashes are scattered in the orchard at Legacy Grove.
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There's no telling what shape I'll be in if Gertrude wins my case.
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Nowadays, I'm a misty green, which I gather stinks to high heaven.
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For some reason, I'm as cold as hell, even without having a real body.
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Usually, I'm at the hospital, shimmering next to my sweet little Rudy.
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Everything about me is gossamer, except the smell.
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Evidently, I've become quite the stinker bell.
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I should be embarrassed, but it has its upside.
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For example, there's one nurse on the late shift who is a total biatch.
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This heftyweight version of Nurse Ratched flies right out of the cuckoo's nest and guano bombs my little boy and husband.
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She manhandles Rudy and is unacceptably gruff with Scotty.
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I wait until she's checked all Rudy's vitals, then drench her in my new fragrance, Decomposed Damsel.
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To do this, I grit my teeth and walk through this plus-size sadistic bedpan handler, wishing I could stab her with that ballpoint pen she clicks whenever she's talking to Scotty.
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She can't feel anything except maybe a snippet of cold air.
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My presence seems to have a chilling effect on people, but at least I'm doing something to make her skin crawl.
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Rudy's room is in the neonatal intensive care unit, so the windows can't be opened, which means it's warm as a sweat lodge.
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It's my favorite place on earth.
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I can appear pretty much anywhere I want.
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Not that anyone notices.
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I worry about Scotty's kids, especially Brandon.
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I watched him swipe some liquor from our house in Las Vegas.
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Even more alarming is his part-time job selling weed.
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Had I known what he was doing when I was alive, I would have stepped in.
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Not that I had much credibility.
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I spent years selling wacky tabacky grown in the oasis outside Naval.
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True, I was an adult, which lessened the legal peril, especially since I sold my weed at a licensed marijuana dispensary in Colorado.
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That was another life ago.
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Today, I'm concerned about this 16 year old kid and his buddy turning into prison dandies just because they want pizza and date money.
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If I had a dime for every deviant stunt Brandon and his pal Taj pulled just last summer, I could buy my way back to the land of the living.
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These two never quit.
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And the funny thing is, they're both good kids.
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It just gets lost with all the flim-flammery and borderline illegal pranks.
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On the topic of stupid exploits, Brandon and Taj are the ones who got me interested in Juniper Hollow.
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I'd known about its morbid history for many years, but never took an actual look behind that Zion curtain until Taj flooded the place and nearly got a polygamous girl killed.
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Then I started writing an entire book about it.
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I rationalized this by telling myself, no one will mind when this thing makes a mint.
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My previous books were all fiction, but you just can't make up the stuff that really happened at Juniper Hollow.
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Murder, rape, witchcraft, polygamy, bootlegging, tax evasion, welfare fraud, and inbreeding on an astonishing level.
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And now there's a new owner who, despite outward appearances, is likely continuing the grift in some way or another.
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Shortly after Brandon and Taj unleashed their shitscape of trouble at Juniper Hollow, the federal government swooped in and arrested a bunch of men from the nearby polygamist town of Zion Flats.
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Among the arrestees was their prophet.
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None of them got nailed for all the warped things they've done to their own wives and children, but the fraud charges are serious enough to keep these spoogy pervs in prison for at least a few years.
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With the prophet of Zion Flats and many of his lackeys chillin in the slammer, Juniper Hollow no longer had any value to the mob family who owned it.
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Juniper Hollow was bought the same week it was listed, and you want to know who snatched up this tragic piece of property?
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Jasper Stratton, a handsome, likeable, impossibly blond-haired young man with a 50,000 watt smile.
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Despite these attributes, or likely because of them, Jasper was kicked out of the cult in Zion Flats when he was just a little kid.
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This happens a lot in big plague country, but no one ever reports these kids as missing.
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The only way the moldy meatballs at the top of the food chain can have three or more wives each is to discard all the competition, especially those who show a little promise.
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Jasper is one of the lucky ones.
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He was adopted by some Mormon do-gooders in northern Utah.
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His adoptive family is into multi-level marketing schemes, mostly involving vitamin supplements that don't do much, except make your pee glow in the dark.
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Jasper must be one hell of a salesman because he didn't even have to finance Juniper Hollow when he bought it from the mob.
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The guy's under 30, and he paid cash for the place, immediately slapping up two huge buildings.
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I made a special trip to Utah the day Jasper opened the vitamin packing plant he calls Regenerant.
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This, plus the adjacent tower Jasper calls The Residence, went up faster than the time it takes to marry an underage girl from Zion Flats and put her in a family way.
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It was exactly these types Jasper Stratton welcomed as employees at Regenerant.
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He may as well have named it Polygamists Are Us.
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Using my sister's now defunct skincare company as a template, Jasper gave his polygamist workers every perk Moon used to offer, only on a much bigger scale.
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Instead of just allowing women to occasionally bring a child to the job site when the need arose, Jasper carved out a space for a full-service childcare center.
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Moon used to feed the women who worked for her, something these wilted sister wives truly appreciated.
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Until the recent arrest of their prophet, many of them didn't have access to their own food stamps.
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In the past, the prophet collected everyone's welfare checks and food vouchers, redistributing them to those who kissed his flaccid rear end the most.
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Wives who had fallen out of favor found themselves scrambling to feed their stupefyingly large families.
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I'm assuming some of them are now getting their food stamps, but it can't possibly be enough to feed all the children these women are compelled to bear.
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Jasper's cafeteria was designed like one of those modern bistros you'd expect to find at a tech company like Yahoo.
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Free food and snacks are available to employees and their kids in the daycare center.
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Jasper even got a set of vans to pick everyone up for work, just like Moon used to, although Zion Flats is right next to Juniper Hollow, and they could easily walk.
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Imitation may be the highest form of flattery, but Jasper's operation didn't do anything but piss Moon off.
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She was still smarting from her polygamist employees walking out when she was in California, tending to her dying mother-in-law.
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When Moon got a gander at the color-coded uniforms for Jasper's employees, I thought she was going to blow her brain stem.
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Moon had gone to the mat with the profit of Zion Flats over the issue of uniforms.
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One of the ways polygamist men keep their women in line is to anchor them down with heavy, full-length dresses.
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This made working in Moon's humid laboratory unbearably hot.
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Ditto for a hard day of packing vitamins at Regenerent.
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All this aside, I was quite impressed with Jasper's setup.
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The packing plant was clean and well lit, although I got out of there and back to the courtyard as quickly as possible.
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I can't stand the smell of most vitamins.
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That mildewy, composted odor made it hard for me to choke down my prenatal pills.
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Spending even a few minutes in the Regenerent side of Juniper Hollow was like crawling into a giant bottle of cod liver oil and screwing the cap on as tight as it would go.
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Most polygamous business ventures are conducted using a Harry Potter-style cloak of invisibility, preventing the government from regulating activities or, God forbid, collecting taxes.
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Jasper took a whole different approach with his open house.
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He graciously doled out refreshments, cheerfully greeting the throngs of navalites curious to get a firsthand look at Juniper Hollow.
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Back when the mob owned the place, the only people foolish enough to tread on this space were my stepson Brandon and his sidekick Taj.
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Now holding the purse strings for a good many polygamous women and even some men from Zion Flats, Jasper could have easily gone for the brass ring, taking advantage of the power void left when their profit got sent to the license plate factory.
00:20:19.745 --> 00:20:24.665
Oddly, Jasper didn't seem interested in filling those multi-marriage shoes.
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I'm not sure he even goes for the whole stockpiling of sister wives.
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He is married, but as far as anyone can tell, it's only to one woman.
00:20:35.645 --> 00:20:43.765
Jasper's wife is a Malibu blonde Barbie with a set of boobs so erect you could balance a tray on them.
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No way these nummies are real.
00:20:47.205 --> 00:20:49.165
She's a Kelly with an eye.
00:20:49.585 --> 00:20:54.245
And while Kelly is certainly cute, she seems like she's on something.
00:20:55.185 --> 00:21:00.585
Kelly reminds me of the drugged and disoriented days of the late Anna Nicole Smith.
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The main difference is Kelly's voice doesn't sound like a two-year-old's.
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In fact, it's on the crunchy side, even though she's got to be under 25.
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Probably cigarettes, but she didn't smell smoky, wafting around in a cloud of expensive French perfume.
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Sprouting from Kelly's head is an enormous blonde bouffant, mirroring that of the late Anna Nicole.
00:21:27.285 --> 00:21:31.945
Yet somehow Kelly's orbit of hair manages to look super tailored.
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While Anna Nicole got famous by enthusiastically thrusting her double-D bazookas in everyone's face, Kelly with an eye seemed to be penning in her superfluous boobery.
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To that end, Kelly was buttoned up tight in a camel-colored business suit and matching jacket.
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The pale pink top underneath was paired with a conservative-looking string of pearls.
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The entire outfit screamed, Up tight PTA board member.
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Throughout the open house, Kelly dutifully stood by her man as Jasper glad-handed elected officials and looky-loos.
00:22:12.745 --> 00:22:18.145
Moon and I arrived right when the tour started and stayed until the entire thing was over.
00:22:19.125 --> 00:22:25.305
Moon was annoyed because I kept discreetly farting, trying to pretend someone else dealt the smelt.
00:22:26.045 --> 00:22:31.545
I was six months pregnant at the time and holding enough gas to fuel a truck stop.
00:22:32.305 --> 00:22:41.625
Since I was amongst a group of Mormon women from Naval and polygamist women from Zion Flats, I figured they could relate to the barrage of bottom burps.
00:22:42.485 --> 00:22:46.245
Only the first floor of the so-called residence was open for the tour.
00:22:47.285 --> 00:22:58.165
This space featured another massive kitchen and a laundry room with, I swear this is true, at least a dozen matching washers and dryers.
00:22:58.925 --> 00:23:01.765
I've been in laundromats that weren't this well equipped.
00:23:02.485 --> 00:23:08.545
Other than those two utilitarian rooms, the remainder of the floor was used for employee housing.
00:23:09.085 --> 00:23:14.505
The bedrooms were small but well appointed with farm fresh bedding and sturdy oak furniture.
00:23:15.765 --> 00:23:20.205
This was the only part of Jasper's setup that wasn't thoroughly modern Millie.
00:23:21.125 --> 00:23:25.205
It was as if these rooms were deliberately designed for June Cleaver.
00:23:26.225 --> 00:23:30.565
Everything in the employee rooms felt so, well, modest.
00:23:31.405 --> 00:23:33.085
It was hard to put your finger on it.
00:23:33.845 --> 00:23:39.665
Maybe it was the exquisite handmade quilts on the beds, all single, I noticed.
00:23:40.645 --> 00:23:46.605
Some rooms had two beds, but none of them were shoved together to make space for a little slap and tickle.
00:23:47.145 --> 00:23:52.745
Perhaps the design of the living quarters had something to do with the fact that all of them were polygamists.
00:23:53.765 --> 00:24:05.585
In an extensive, shockingly open interview with the Naval Weekly Banner, Jasper said most of the women he brought with him were from a polygamist sect in northeastern Utah known as the Osterberg Clan.
00:24:06.425 --> 00:24:14.505
This group came from a ramshackle bedroom community outside Vernal where some of the men literally made a killing at their business.
00:24:15.465 --> 00:24:23.785
Like Jasper, the group specialized in pyramid-style schemes that enriched those at the top and befuddled the suckers at the bottom.
00:24:24.825 --> 00:24:28.245
Opening Regenerate seems so legit in comparison.
00:24:29.145 --> 00:24:35.585
As is the case in Zion Flats, the Osterberg Clan is currently operating without a managing molester.
00:24:37.105 --> 00:24:45.065
Their last prophet went for the ultimate trophy wife, a prepubescent virgin who wasn't from a polygamist family.
00:24:45.865 --> 00:24:48.445
He got tarred and feathered for his troubles.
00:24:49.265 --> 00:24:54.725
I didn't think they did that sort of thing anymore, but apparently it's still in vogue in Vernal.
00:24:55.565 --> 00:25:09.645
This was one of those cases that got so much national attention, the local authorities had to do something, eventually arresting their prophet, along with the local vigilantes involved in this sticky retribution.
00:25:10.225 --> 00:25:20.665
No one has made a move to seize power in Zion Flats or with the Osterberg clan, although Jasper Stratton is in prime position to do so in both places.
00:25:21.825 --> 00:25:26.825
Jasper seemed uninterested, which I find highly suspicious.
00:25:27.865 --> 00:25:29.305
What was his angle?
00:25:30.285 --> 00:25:35.445
I was trying to figure that out when I inadvertently turned myself into fender meat.
00:25:36.525 --> 00:25:43.965
Now I'm stuck in something that can't possibly be described as anything so pleasant as La La Land.
00:25:44.805 --> 00:25:48.345
Half the time I can't find my caseworker Gertrude Fletcher.
00:25:49.265 --> 00:25:56.805
I'm colder than hell's hinges and smellier than a bucket of fish guts sweltering in the sun.
00:25:57.825 --> 00:26:00.325
The fact that it's winter doesn't help.
00:26:01.305 --> 00:26:05.905
My wedding dress is full length, but it doesn't do a damn thing to keep me warm.
00:26:06.765 --> 00:26:12.705
Smelling like a week old tuna fish sandwich forces me to spend more time outside than I'd like.
00:26:13.465 --> 00:26:17.245
When I'm not watching over Rudy, I try to air out as best I can.
00:26:18.145 --> 00:26:23.385
I usually do this at Juniper Hollow, attempting to piece together the events leading up to my demise.
00:26:24.645 --> 00:26:26.125
Here's what I remember.
00:26:26.645 --> 00:26:32.265
I was on my way to Legacy Grove with the photo album Moon gave me as a gift for my baby shower.
00:26:33.205 --> 00:26:39.165
Most of the pictures were scans from Boyd Fletcher's collection, which Moon had printed on photo paper.
00:26:40.305 --> 00:26:42.445
I'd been mesmerized by the gift.
00:26:43.365 --> 00:26:46.485
Some of the pictures dated back to the 1930s.
00:26:47.185 --> 00:26:54.645
This was after the bloody blowout between the mob and the federal agents attempting to stop their side hustle of making whiskey.
00:26:55.785 --> 00:27:03.465
If only these dick Tracies had waited another year, prohibition would have ended, and they could have lived to make another arrest.
00:27:04.665 --> 00:27:09.865
One photo in particular grabbed my attention, tickling the back of my mind.
00:27:10.685 --> 00:27:17.165
If you look closely, you can just barely make out a translucent image standing on the bridge.
00:27:17.865 --> 00:27:19.065
Not that it matters now.
00:27:19.825 --> 00:27:25.945
It's not like I can put a post-it note on the picture in question asking for someone with a heartbeat to follow up.
00:27:26.985 --> 00:27:35.685
At the moment, the photo album is lying listlessly in a canvas tote bag filled with a bunch of weird baby stuff Moon insisted I have.
00:27:36.525 --> 00:27:39.265
No need for that ichy looking breast pump now.
00:27:39.645 --> 00:27:40.485
That's for sure.
00:27:41.045 --> 00:27:49.905
The Pitt County Sheriff's Department impounded my truck during the investigation into what they, and everyone else, believed was an accident.
00:27:50.965 --> 00:27:58.865
The details remain a blur, but I know I saw something in the road, grabbed the wheel and fatally over corrected.
00:27:59.905 --> 00:28:07.485
I don't remember much after that, except for an excruciating concern that Rudy might be getting crushed by the steering wheel.
00:28:08.065 --> 00:28:14.725
Whenever I'm not watching Rudy clinging to life in the hospital, I mope around the spot where I mangled my truck.
00:28:15.825 --> 00:28:21.385
I've looked everywhere and still can't find any clues that might help me figure out what happened.
00:28:22.265 --> 00:28:28.005
I haven't missed the irony that I was writing a ghost story at the time when I became one myself.
00:28:28.885 --> 00:28:32.685
Prior to that, I couldn't see a ghost to save my life.
00:28:33.285 --> 00:28:37.865
Then I finally see what I think is a ghost and it actually costs me my life.
00:28:38.665 --> 00:28:40.285
How messed up is that?
00:28:41.405 --> 00:28:42.465
Here's the clincher.
00:28:43.125 --> 00:28:49.965
The only ones I've got at my disposal to help me are Gertrude Fletcher and Skitters the Cat.
00:28:51.045 --> 00:28:52.725
I am so fucked.
00:28:55.225 --> 00:28:57.545
In the mood for a killer audiobook?
00:28:58.165 --> 00:29:05.045
Quirky Killers by Adele Park is the story of a serial bride who sends her husbands to heaven in a hurry.
00:29:05.605 --> 00:29:12.665
Too bad the cops don't see the humor in this and arrest this woman who is just trying to make sure everyone gets to meet God.
00:29:13.505 --> 00:29:17.185
Quirky Killers, get it today on audible.com.
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You'll die laughing.
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